It’s All About Me

So many of the “How to write a novel” books contain a warning label, “as an inexperienced and newby novelist, what ever you do…NEVER EVER EVER write a novel in first person.  Then the books drone on and on describing the insurmountable difficulties that will come with this viewpoint.

With this wisdom, every novel attempt of mine has been in third person.  Writing the life and experiences of this complete stranger, trying to care how she takes her coffee or how she is insecure because her dog doesn’t love her.

But in the end, I feel nothing for this flat uninteresting character.

Ok, so there, I admit it…I am a narcissist!

I’m self absorbed and only care about my point of view! So with this, I will attempt the unthinkable first person and then maybe just maybe my writing will go from suckish to “hey that’s not completely awful.”

And maybe when I’m done, I’ll switch it to third person to protect the innocent.

Family Disfunctions, oops I mean Family Functions

Are you Dragging your feet about going to the next dreaded family function?  Not me, I am a huge fan of family functions.  The only problem I have is that I can’t sit with an open notebook and take notes the whole time.

Family functions are a great resource in discovering new and exciting characters, endless character traits and mannerisms.  Next time you have to go a wedding, family reunion or yet another summer barbeque, just grab yourself a lemonade and start taking mental notes.  All you have to do is open your eyes and it’s like a writer’s Wonderland!!!

– The moody cousin who never leaves the corner and you can never get more than a one word answer out of when trying to have a conversation with , will become the beaten down tiny dog that the villain carries around all day under his arm

– The uncle that drank too much…AGAIN and insists on being a close talker, will become the annoying boss that your character has to work around to get anything done

– The grandma that insists on reliving all of your embarrassing moments from your childhood,  drop a decade or two and you have a nagging best friend that knows your character inside and out and doesn’t let them get away with anything

– The older aunt that insists on kissing you on the lips every chance she gets , will be a creepy co-worker that insists on cornering your character on numerous occasions but never seems to get the message “Sorry you’re not my type”

And mannerisms….oh boy….if you open your eyes and really look, I mean really look…

It’s amazing what you will discover about your relatives.  The pot smoking cousin that constantly licks her lips, the aunt that hum’s when she eats, the second cousin that laughs after everything he says, the taller uncle that lurches forward when he walks and always has a joke to tell or the aunt that has undisciplined kids and a permanent look of disgust that never leaves her face.  Endless writing possibilities I tell you, I get giddy just thinking about my next family function.

But you worry that your family will find out.  They will recognize themselves and they will be furious and never forgive you.  But let me ask you this;

1.  Do you really think your cousin is going to say, “Hey that really horrible drug addict character in your book is that me?”

2.  And as much as you think your family loves you, do you really they will read your book?  Even if some of your family members say “Oh I can’t wait to read your book.”  It soon becomes,  “Oh, sorry I haven’t gotten a chance, but I’m going to I promise.”

So when your mom and maybe some of your closest friends read your novel or short story, and if they recognize a character, I’m sure they will laugh and say, yeah Aunt Joan does have a habit of sticking her finger in her ear and then smelling it.

I myself love using family members as characters.  I love putting those “made up” characters in all sorts of horrible, challenging and awkward situations.

You know what I call that?  I call it THERAPY.

Joe Vs. the Volcano

Joe vs. the Volcano

It’s Monday morning and as I prepare myself for another creative stifling week at my “Day Job”, I remember a 90’s movie Joe Vs. the Volcano.  The actors included Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan, so it be would assumed the movie must be decent, but instead shockingly falls under “I can’t believe I wasted a portion of my life watching this.”

What brings this movie to mind is one of the first scenes of the  movie, when it shows Tom Hanks’s character Joe arriving to his dreary day job in no window office with draining deadening fluorescent lights and industrial grey office furniture.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LnLDMqPBeKQ

I admit my day job is “not that bad”, but as I sit under fluorescent lights in my tiny cube working on an endless task list, I do take a moment to image my perfect writing life.

Why Did You Stop?

–          You’ve stopped again.  You stopped writing  mid-scene and you haven’t moved forward, not even a sentence in over two weeks.

–          Well… I’m stuck.

–          Stuck?  You know exactly what is supposed to be written in this scene, how are you stuck?

–          I don’t know…I’m just stuck.

–          How hard is it?  Stand up,  walk over to your computer, it’s already turned on and everything, sit in front of it and just start typing.  Type just a page, a paragraph, even just a sentence.

–          No… I don’t want to.

–          UGH!  Why, what is the problem?

–          I don’t know…I’m just stuck.

–          Fine!  Be stuck, but I know you’ll be back.  You’re a writer and you can’t fight the “need to write” for long.

Mirror Mirror on the Wall

Step one:  Stand in front of a mirror.  Any mirror will do.

Step two:  Look at yourself.  Be serious now, quit making that face.

Step three:  Ok now REALLY look at yourself.  Leave your hair alone it looks fine.

Step four:  Say to your reflection, “I am a writer.”

Step five:  Stop laughing

Step six: No really, stop laughing

Step seven: Say it again, but this time say it like you mean it, “I AM A WRITER.”

Step eight: Really it’s not that funny, stop laughing

Step nine: Try to remember which book you got this exercise in so you can throw it away.

What kind of girl do you think I am?

In my current novel my female villain is about to be introduced into the story, but there is a dilemma.

I have no idea who she is. In my mind she is standing there with her hands on her hips, tapping her foot with a very frustrated look on her face. But the rest of her features keep morphing and changing while she looks at me with impatience.

Blond to brunette, skinny to plump, tall to petite, fit to fatigued. My female villain throws her arms up in the air in disgust, “Make up your mind already.”

But it’s difficult to commit (there goes those commitment issues again) after all, I will be spending a lot of time with her over what could be a year or more. This unknown villainess and I going to put my main character through some very hard times and I just want to make sure she is the right one for the job.

What I do know is this…I know exactly what horrible things my villain is going to do. I have master plan of destruction and mayhem all mapped out.

She is still standing there tapping her foot at me.

The question isn’t what “is” she going to do, it’s “how” is she going to do it. Is she deceptively sweet or just plan up front and evil? Does she swear in every sentence or hide behind soothing sweet words? Does she smile or just cross her arms and stare at people like their an idiot. What kind of villain is she and is she the right one for the job?

I close my eyes and picture her again…she is still tapping her foot and rolling her eyes at me.

Nanowrimo Throwup

I have been a member of Nanowrimo since 2007. (http://www.nanowrimo.org)   I have participated in the November event every year since and have even been successful in the monstrous goal of 50,000 words in 30 days,five of the eight years.

I am a HUGE fan of Nanowrimo!

Every October I start thinking about what project I could work on during the Nano-riffic event. I put whatever current project I’m working on aside and come up with a new and improved writing project.  Characters, plots catastrophes start floating through my head.  I feel like an evil mastermind, rubbing my hands together…this will be the best book idea ever.

November comes and I take off running! The thrill of the speed and the goals push me forward.  Quantity has never been an issue for me.  I can throw up 1,667 words a day and not even break a sweat.

First week is great and it feels easy to keep up.  Then second week hits and life begins to interrupt my stride.  I start to miss a day here and a day there.   But I know I can catch up on the weekend.

It’s around November 15th, I slam smack into the wall.  My plot completely falls through and I am overwhelmed with the feeling of this is by far the dumbest idea I have ever had.

This is the point of failure for me on the years I was not Nano successful.  The inner critic beat me down and then did a jig on my head while I lay there moaning about how my writing sucks.

But then there are the years I am successful and I punch the inner critic in the face and trudge through the mud to the finish line.  YES…I’m a winner!  The winner of 50,000+ words of pure writer throw up.

This is where the real work begins.  Where I have to rummage through all the puke and decide whether to flush it all down the toilet or dig out a few good chunks.

This is where I am now, rummaging around with a few good chunks attempting to create a novel that is a step above colorful vomit.