It is a sad state of affairs when you go to the book store, walk over to the “how to write a book” reference section and discover you have read most of the books in the section.
Can you guess one of my favorite forms of procrastination?
If only I had a pen with good smooth movement, I would write my novel faster.
If only I had a fancy notebook, I would create more novel ideas and scenes.
If only I have a one of those tiny laptops, I would carry it in my bag and work on my novel when ever the mood struck me.
If only I had a writing area, a creative space all my own , I would be inspired and the novel would just flow out with ease.
If only I had enough money to get rid of my day job, I would work on my novel non-stop and finish it at last.
If only I won the lottery…
Until then… I have a hotel pen, a half used notebook my kids didn’t need, a laptop that crashes, a kitchen table with sticky spots and a few minutes to write after the work day is done and the kids are in bed.
“If I only I had…”
But the truth is I already have everything I need, including the relentless drive to write.
Maybe tomorrow I’ll buy a lottery ticket…just for good measure.
Carolyn See wrote a book on writing called, “Making the literary life”.
Chapter one…”Keep it to yourself”. She goes on to explain, as much as your friends and family love you, they really don’t want to hear all about the great American novel you intend to write, the plot of this book, the fascinating characters you have created and the torments of being a writer.
I would just like to say, “Where were you 10 years ago Ms. See, when I had the great idea to write a novel?” It’s too late now!
I have been torturing my friends, family and especially my poor spouse for years and years now. I have drug my family through the tortures of 5 incomplete novel, several unenthusiastic attempts at article writing and countless attempts at writing different genres that crashed and burned in the early stages.
I can see the wear and tear on all the people that are exposed to my writing dreams day in and day out. When I swear this is the year, I get a smile, a pat on the shoulders and a, “Yes, I bet you will finish this year for sure.” But behind the weak smile I see it, the thought of, “Yes good gracious finish a novel already, because I can’t take another year of talking about a book I’ll never get to read and hearing all about the lives of made up characters that have nothing to do with me.
So yes Ms. See, your book is a little late to the party, where were you when I had this hair brain scheme to be a writer..hmmm?
Romance Novel Outline – Attempt #2 (Erotica)
-Girl is not looking for love
-Girl bumps into man on street and immediately does not like him
-Boy likes her and begins to pursues her relentlessly
-He is creepy but girl overlooks since he is good looking
-Boy finds way of trapping her in his arms
-She looks deep into his eyes…it is love at first sight
–umm…then some stuff happens. (blush)
-Girl really likes boy
-How many ways can you describe a body part?
-Not sure how to describe that?
-Oh, I can’t say that… (giggle, giggle)
–No way am I going to say that!
What if my mother were to read this?
Oh my goodness… Let’s just burn this one.
Romance Novel Outline – Attempt #1
Let me see, it should go something like this…
-Girl is looking for love
-Girls is walking down the street one sunny day, trips and accidentally falls into the arms of a tall, dark and handsome stranger on the street
-She thinks he is a totally hottie and thinks this must be love at first sight
-They go on a few dates and she thinks he is perfect… despite his extensive criminal record
-Time passes and they live happily ever after
-Until… one day she dies in a freak lawn mower accident and he tells police, he has no idea what happened.
Hmmm…maybe I should back to my other novel.
According to books on creating a habit (I believe “7 habits of highly effective people” is one of the them), a habit is created in 21 days, if done every day.
So to create a writing habit I should write every day, whether it’s 1,000 words added to my novel, morning pages (as mentioned in the book-“The Artist’s Way”) or a blog post and if I do it every day it will become a habit.
It should be easy, right? (hahaha…ok… hahahah… wait…hahahaha)
I mean it’s not like trying to develop a habit of exercising or eating healthy after all!
Writing is something I love to do, it should be super easy, right?
Touch it… Touch it… JUST TOUCH IT!!
Yes, touch it every day.
Yes, every day.
Why?
Because if you don’t, you will be 90 years old before you ever finish your first novel.
Carolyn See’s fabulous book “Making a Literary Life”, discusses the joy of writing a letter to someone you admire. I like the idea of this and I picture myself sitting in an old style writing desk picking up a pen to share my praise.
Ummm….huh…let’s see here. There have been so many books I have enjoyed and so many writers I like. Which one should I write to first? As I hold the pen in ready position, my hand begins to cramp. Maybe email would be better. I pull out my laptop and turn it on….waiting…waiting. Ok, ready I open a new email and stare at the empty page.
Well I need to do some research to find someone to write to. I begin an intensive search looking for a author who is worthy of the time it will take to write this letter. Oh, this author has a nice website.
I should start my own author website for when I become a published writer. I wonder what I should include in it. I pull out of piece of paper and start mapping out what my website would look like and what I would include. I start searching for website templates, formats and hosting options.
My husband sticks his head around the corner, how is your author letter coming along? I look at the web page up on my computer “How to build a website” and sigh.
I click back to the email page that stands there empty and alone. I begin my search again for an author and pause as I try to think of the name of that writer that wrote that book about that “thing” and that “place”, what was it called again. In attempt to figure out the name of the book I end up on a website discussing the history of Indiana. I start thinking of a new novel idea using a character from Indiana.
I stop myself half way through the plotting of a whole new novel, shake my head and go back to the empty email. I stare at it. My mind is as blank as the page. It was then I realized procrastination as abducted me once again!
I close the empty email page and open up my novel. With a heavy sigh, I begin writing the next scene.
Are you Dragging your feet about going to the next dreaded family function? Not me, I am a huge fan of family functions. The only problem I have is that I can’t sit with an open notebook and take notes the whole time.
Family functions are a great resource in discovering new and exciting characters, endless character traits and mannerisms. Next time you have to go a wedding, family reunion or yet another summer barbeque, just grab yourself a lemonade and start taking mental notes. All you have to do is open your eyes and it’s like a writer’s Wonderland!!!
– The moody cousin who never leaves the corner and you can never get more than a one word answer out of when trying to have a conversation with , will become the beaten down tiny dog that the villain carries around all day under his arm
– The uncle that drank too much…AGAIN and insists on being a close talker, will become the annoying boss that your character has to work around to get anything done
– The grandma that insists on reliving all of your embarrassing moments from your childhood, drop a decade or two and you have a nagging best friend that knows your character inside and out and doesn’t let them get away with anything
– The older aunt that insists on kissing you on the lips every chance she gets , will be a creepy co-worker that insists on cornering your character on numerous occasions but never seems to get the message “Sorry you’re not my type”
And mannerisms….oh boy….if you open your eyes and really look, I mean really look…
It’s amazing what you will discover about your relatives. The pot smoking cousin that constantly licks her lips, the aunt that hum’s when she eats, the second cousin that laughs after everything he says, the taller uncle that lurches forward when he walks and always has a joke to tell or the aunt that has undisciplined kids and a permanent look of disgust that never leaves her face. Endless writing possibilities I tell you, I get giddy just thinking about my next family function.
But you worry that your family will find out. They will recognize themselves and they will be furious and never forgive you. But let me ask you this;
1. Do you really think your cousin is going to say, “Hey that really horrible drug addict character in your book is that me?”
2. And as much as you think your family loves you, do you really they will read your book? Even if some of your family members say “Oh I can’t wait to read your book.” It soon becomes, “Oh, sorry I haven’t gotten a chance, but I’m going to I promise.”
So when your mom and maybe some of your closest friends read your novel or short story, and if they recognize a character, I’m sure they will laugh and say, yeah Aunt Joan does have a habit of sticking her finger in her ear and then smelling it.
I myself love using family members as characters. I love putting those “made up” characters in all sorts of horrible, challenging and awkward situations.
You know what I call that? I call it THERAPY.
Step one: Stand in front of a mirror. Any mirror will do.
Step two: Look at yourself. Be serious now, quit making that face.
Step three: Ok now REALLY look at yourself. Leave your hair alone it looks fine.
Step four: Say to your reflection, “I am a writer.”
Step five: Stop laughing
Step six: No really, stop laughing
Step seven: Say it again, but this time say it like you mean it, “I AM A WRITER.”
Step eight: Really it’s not that funny, stop laughing
Step nine: Try to remember which book you got this exercise in so you can throw it away.
The Failing Novelist 