There is a Troll on my Shoulder

So I have this troll that lives on my shoulder. He likes to tell me things like;
You are the worst writer ever
You should get a real hobby
Why are you wasting time on this crap
You should just give up now
You should be spending time on things you actually are good at
Why aren’t you spending more time with your family

But recently, a new creature, a writing elf, has started to perch on the other shoulder.
He says things like;
I like that dialogue
I think that scene is going too fast, you should add more to it
Okay, now that’s a funny line
That paragraph doesn’t sound right, I think with a little tweaking, it could be better

I like having the little writing elf around, he’s funny, supportive and helpful.

The troll is still sitting on the other shoulder and he still talks loud and often, but I’m hoping over time, if I ignore him long enough, maybe he will get bored and wander off.

Creating a Fictional Killer…

Who? What? When? Where? Why? These must be answered in creating a fictional killer.

Who… did they kill? Your killer is going to have to have to kill someone, no matter how much you like the victim.

What… happened? This is the main question your readers and characters will be trying to figure out most the book, hopefully at least you know… I mean really someone has to know ahead of time.

When… did the murder take place? Late into the night when only the crazy people are out? Or maybe the middle of the day while her husband was at work, or was it… “A dark and stormy night…”

Where… did it happen? Where did the murder occur? In a toy store, in a brothel or maybe in a shower, everyone loves a good shower scene.

And Why… Why did this person have to die? Was it for a lame reason like the killer wanted her pencil back, vengeance for a unforgiveable crime that had gone unpunished, or just pure madness.

With these questions answered, now rub your hands together maniacally and say “Mwah haa haa… Mwah hahaha”

Write What You Know…

It is a popular belief that as an unpublished or new writer, you should “write what you know”.

But for some of us living the non-typical writer life of fun wholesome living (okay, wholesome is a stretch) this may not be as simple.

I can write about accounting (my day job), which as you can guess would interest absolutely nobody or maybe a small group of number nerds.

I could write about being a mom, but with kids like mine, it is rare to find some excitement other than a lose tooth or a disappointing “B” on a test (and believe me I’m not complaining).

But just as everyone does, I have secrets in my closet. So I open up the closet and push away the cobwebs.
It is filled with events in my life, that feel like a lifetime ago. It feels so distant, like it happened to someone else.

I climb in and dig around the junk looking for a nugget of something that could create an amazing novel. A novel that a reader wouldn’t be able to put down until the last page had been read.

There are a patchwork of things, I pull them out and lay them on the floor and then shuffle them around.

Maybe, just maybe I can weave them together like a quilt more fiction than not.

Genre Indecision

So it is time to begin again. Time to get back on the horse and write, write, write…

So which genre should I try this time?

I had a lot of fun writing about a nine year old boy being flushed down a toilet into another world, but I want to try something new.

I could write a Mystery full of twists and turns and drag some poor unfortunate down a path of horrid events only to have him “save the day” at the last minute.

OR, write about an awkward teen distraught by love and social angst. Ooh…not sure I want to re-live my youth.

OR, write about a torrid love affair between two people, but they are torn apart due to dysfunction and stupidity. But love will conquer all and they will live happily ever after… Hahahaha, maybe I should write the story about what happens after the “happily ever after part”; kids, dogs, house, mortgage, chaos, etc.

OR, maybe a drama? Take an unsuspecting character and drag her through a bunch of horrible events until she has a mental breakdown and takes her revenge, but then emerges from the ashes a stronger better person despite being wanted by the FBI.

Decisions, decisions, decision…

Professional Procrastinator

It’s time to start a new writing project or maybe go back to an old one… either way it’s time to start writing again.
Ok, get ready… get set.. wait I really should clean the refrigerator out, something smells really bad in there.
Ok, let’s try again…get ready… get set…wait wait…I need to do my tax return.
Hmm… ready… set… oh yeah gotta clip the dogs toe nails.
Oh and I really should clean out my garage… you know spring is coming and I need to find that badminton set.
Ok, now I’m really ready… wait there is something else I was supposed to do…
what was that…

New Love

Sending out Query letters is a lot like the excitement of a new love.

You send out query letters with a mixture of hope, giddiness and doubt. You spend time trying to make it as perfect as possible, then you get to a point and quickly hit the send button before you change your mind.
Then you refuse to admit to anyone but you obsessively check your email. Is there a response yet? How about now? How about now? Hope fills your heart, “this could be the one!”

Then it appears! The response to your query. You pause before you open it, hopeful and excited but prepared for the worse.
Then the standard letter begins and you feel your heart sink. You tell yourself, “it’s not me, it’s them.” But you’re not really convinced. You stare at the email another moment and then file it away. With a big sigh you pick your ego off the floor and start researching who will be the next.

For every rejection letter received, send out another query. For every hope dashed a new hope is created.

Internal Critique vs. The Failing Novelist (Round 1)

Failing Novelist:I keep working at my writing and it’s getting better

Internal Critique: Uh…if you say so

Failing Novelist:One day I will get published, I just need to keep hacking away at it

Internal Critique:Don’t give up your day job

Failing Novelist:Hey, that chapter turned out pretty good

Internal Critique:It sucks, you sucks, just give up

Failing Novelist: Keep it down I’m trying to write.

Burps, Boogers and Farts

Things I’m learning while writing a boy chapter book:

  1. It is not as easy as it looks
  2. According to my 11 year old son, “Mom” life lessons cannot be included
  3. Locate sense of humor (it’s around here somewhere)
  4. Make a list of kid sayings, helps if one lives with you.  Take good notes
    1. “booger leakage” – when you have a runny nose that doesn’t stop even when you try to suck it back up
  5. Practice burping and farting and think about how it can be applied to the story
  6. If you are not having fun writing it… odds are the reader won’t have fun reading it
  7. Write things that make you laugh like a kid
  8. Practice burping and farting again… just for fun

Definition of a “Query Letter”

A few short paragraphs to explain in perfect detail, the novel that you have put your heart and soul into for months, years and maybe even decades.

A one page letter in which all your hopes and dreams are crammed into just a few short paragraphs. 

A one page letter that you will spend countless hours creating and torturing yourself over every single word, in hopes of getting it absolutely perfect.

A letter that, odds are, you will receive a standard rejection letter for. 

A rejection letter that was probably written in under five minutes.